11 Things You Shouldn't Say To Someone Who Is Grieving

My dad died of cancer when I was 16 and, man were there things people said to me, where I was completely shocked, and some I just had to rub off because I knew they didn't get it. Don't get me wrong, saying something to someone while they're grieving, is always a great gesture. It shows the griever, you care and are aware of what has happened.

BUT

There are many things you just shouldn't say. Why? Because honestly, you look like a jerk or it just doesn't come across great. Grief is complicated, many people react differently to certain things. Some grievers might want the attention because they're hurting and are in pain, while others might want to just hide and try to live their life as much as they can. It's been 6 years since my dad died and I've come up with a lot of things people have said to me, my sister or my mother. Here is my list of 11 things you just shouldn't say.

1. They're in a better place

As much as we agree, that our loved one is probably in a better place, its just not helpful. It kind of sounds like you're telling us that we shouldn't be upset over what has happened. Just don't say this one. It's also cliche.

2. Just get over it / why haven't you moved on?

Truly, I have never understood why people think grievers move on, or get over death. It's not just a little teenage break up. It's death, and we can't see them ever again. This doesn't make us feel better, and to be honest it kind of comes across like our loved one wasn't worth grieving over. Many people over time will soon be able to move forward and live their life again and find happiness, but you don't just get "over" it.

3. You will find love again

Although, the idea here is maybe true, its not a good way to word things. It kind of to me, sounds as if you're telling the person that "this will be over soon, you'll find another person". They may date again, or get remarried, or maybe they won't. Its not up to you to really tell someone that they will find love again. Again, like #2, it sounds like you're telling your friend that who they lost, wasn't important.

4. You're So Strong

I feel like this one, isn't as bad as the others, but still. When you're grieving, you have no choice but to be strong. You really can't just hide in your house and cry, you have to continue life whether that is taking care of your family, or going back to work/school. Being strong is really the only option you have.

5. Why are you feeling _____

Many times with grief, people feel different emotions. Whether its anger or happiness. It's good for your mind and even body to feel emotions. I have had many people say to me, "why were you so angry when your dad died?" This kind of shocked me, because honestly, think about it. My dad died..why else would I be mad? But, even with happiness, sometimes grievers feel guilty because they're happy and they're having a great day, and its really not your business to ask them why they're feeling a certain way..Unless you're their therapist. This usually is said by other grievers. When a bunch of grievers are grieving together, sometimes they may get confused on why someone is feeling happy, or feeling angry. Grief is just complicated.

6. It's been over 2 years, why are you still upset? Its time to move on

Hollywood likes to play this idea, that grief only lasts for one year, (usually right in time for Christmas too). They play this part that grievers only are sad for one year, and then they're back to normal, dating again, loving life. Grief has really no time limit. While others only grieve for maybe a year or 2, some can grieve for 10 years or more. I believe it really depends on the person, and it's not up to anyone else to tell them how to feel. I had a "friend" tell me I was crazy because I was still grieving my father after 3 years. True story.

7. Let me know if you need me

Although good intentions are met, most people don't follow through with this one. I think many people (from my experience), say this to make themselves feel better. They don't really have to do the hard work, they're just waiting for the griever to come to them. I think many people don't mean for it to come across this way, but whenever someone would say this to me, I felt uncomfortable asking for help or even just wanting a friend. I find this one incredibly cliche, and lazy. I feel like a better alternative for this one, is going to them, asking them how they are doing, or even offering them help such as "do you want me to bring over dinner?" sometimes grievers don't have time or even the emotional capacity to do the smallest chore.

8. I know what you're going through

Never EVER say this please. Nobody ever knows what someone is going through, except them. Even if you did lose someone, you still don't know. I think a better way to word this, is to say " I understand somewhat". When you tell someone you know exactly what they're going through, you dismiss their emotions and what they're going through. Again, unless you're them, you don't know what they're truly going through.

9. You're taking this so well, I could never be able to handle this

I don't think any griever knows how to grieve, you just kind of deal with it. One day, this horrible event happens, and you learn how your emotions work , and you learn different techniques on how to cope. I don't like this one because no one really is "taking it well". Usually, grievers, like myself, are able to hide their pain easier. Some grievers don't show their pain because they don't want to come across like they're moping around constantly. No griever, just assumes they can handle this. Many people have said this to me and others, "Oh i could never", but the truth it, you just do it. One day, you wake up and you realize you've been grieving for 3 years, and you didn't think you could make it this far.

10. God did this for a reason.

NO. STOP. I hate this one with every thing in myself. This just does not need to be said. Plain and simple. Things happen, and we have no control over it. I don't believe God took my father for a reason, but maybe He did. This just comes across like, "stop crying, God meant to bring you pain".

11. You've been different.

Trust me, this one is said more often than not. People don't understand that death is so real and final and it shapes you. Your friend will be different forever. They will eventually get back to who they "were". But, they may still have sadness with them, or maybe they'll react differently to certain things. People expect griever to grieve for maybe a year or two, and then BAM! one day they will be back to normal, but instead it takes time. Your friend will eventually laugh again but yes, they will be different. Don't say this. Why? They know their different and they know, you know.

Although, I feel like many people understand and don't say these things, it still happens. I to this day still get weird messages or someone will say something weird to me about my dad and it always shakes me. This list isn't in any particular order, but they still happen. I made this post because I want more people educated on grief. Grief is still awkward and confusing. If you really are uncomfortable and don't know what to say to your friend who is grieving, the best way is to ask them. Even saying, " I don't know what to say but I am here" is still a good enough answer. Letting the griever know, you're aware but not sure what to say, that is still helpful. Not saying anything is louder than saying something.